"Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero"

2011-11-29T19:02:00.001-08:00

Because 5 is my number now. Tinkerbell spells 5, and I am in love with 5.
This is a totally senseless post, but I got to share it somewhere. I am in love with the number 5.

Love Someone Like You’re Six

2011-11-23T20:08:00.001-08:00

By STEPHANIE GEORGOPULOS

Love someone like you’re six. Bring your favorite toy to school to impress her; watch her hold it in her tiny hands and swell with pride when she’s receptive. She has good taste. Watch her cautiously; you couldn’t live if she accidentally dropped it, broke it. Draw pictures of her in your coloring book, in the margins, and ask your mother if she’s allowed to come over. Blush when she kisses you on the ear after you’ve skinned your knee. Blush whenever someone says her name. Whenever someone says her name, think it sounds like a curse or a whisper or a prayer.

Love someone like you’re ten. Notice that you like all of the same things: the same songs, the same animals, the same colors. You know there’s something between the two of you but you’re both too inexperienced to acknowledge it. Stand side by side during your elementary school graduation ceremony and feel a surge of loss course through his body and then through yours. Sign his autograph book; skip the white pages and the yellow pages and the blue pages. Sign the pink page, the one that means ‘love.’ Wear gloss and press your lips against the paper. Leave an imprint of your mouth between the words, ‘See U Soon’ and ‘Call me – 718- 768 – 8404.’ Never see each other again.

Love someone like you’re thirteen. Let him walk you home one night in October and ignore every chill. When he leans in to steal a kiss from your mouth, let him. Open your eyes in shock when you realize there’s tongue. Clench his shirt with your fingertips, release it, rest your open palms on either side of him and be unsure if you’re pulling him closer or not. When it’s over, slap him because you don’t know how else to tell him you liked it.

Love someone like you’re sixteen. Pass her in the hallways at school and try to transform yourself into something alluring, something confident. Know every CD she has in her car and her Taco Bell order and who her best friends are. Feel like your heart will explode when she signs on AIM, when she arrives at a party, when she looks in your direction. Get her alone one night, sit in her car and listen to songs you’ll never forget the words to. It’ll be the only time you lose your virginity but the first time you lose yourself.

Love someone like you’re nineteen. Spend hours looking at each other and saying nothing; meet each other’s parents. Text him from the bathroom of your childhood home when you’re visiting for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas; say, “I wish you were here.” Drive around town together, put your hand on his knee and watch sidewalks and miles fly by; take interest in the blur because you can see your future in it.

Love someone like you’re twenty-five. Go to the movies even though you’re already sure you hate going to the movies, do it because she wants to. Spend weekdays and weekends together, get to know each other in the backs of cabs. Stay up until 4 AM because you’re young again; go to bed at 9 PM because you don’t have to prove yourself anymore. Don’t feel overwhelmed when they call instead of text, don’t feel afraid to be yourself. Be in Love.

Love someone like you’re thirty. Not like you’re running out of time, not like your options are drying up. Love him because despite failure and disappointment and fear, you can’t help yourself. Love him in spite of your past; believe in your potential when your better judgment tells you not to.

Love someone like you’re fifty, like the future has come and gone and will return again and it’ll all feel underwhelming because you know who you are and who she is and who “we” is and knowing that makes the rest manageable, you’ve learned.

Love someone like you’re eighty. Look out of your window or in a newspaper or at the television and hear smell taste collateral damage: the result of the world passing you by, leaving you behind. Count the things you no longer understand on both hands; then count the one thing that still makes sense, that has always made sense and think, that’s all right.

Ain't it sweet? It's too real. <3

Push it to the edge of edges – how to take care of yourself

2011-09-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

Don’t let your dreams become a burden. Don’t let your hopes weigh you down. And never – ever – let yourself use a dream as an excuse to push yourself beyond your boundaries.

I’m all in for achieving greatness. To test your limits and push your abilities to the edge of edges. I know I have achieved great things. And I know you have too. And I wish for you to aim to to be the best possible you that you can be. And to do the world-changing, thought-rocking and mind-blowing awesomeness that only you can do.

But I know how easy it is (- learning the hard way -) to loose yourself in the process . Even when we go ahead with the very purest best of intentions. All we want is to be extraordinary. To make good lives for ourselves. We want to fulfil our dreams, because not only achiving – but working towards – our dreams makes us happy. Not in the future, no, here and now.

But dreams are by default always something of the future. And you, my dearest, are living your precious life this very second.

So please – don’t make the same mistake I have made times and times again. Don’t lose yourself in achieving that dream. Take some time off. You won’t loose everything. You are not blowing your chances. Not at all – you are taking care of the very foundation for your dream to come true; you.

So if posts here are coming a little far between these days, know that I am just taking a much-needed deep rest from the pressure of making dreams come true. If your motivation falters a little, or if your strenght is fading, I encourage you to do the same.

Lets work on that dream a little differently. Let’s look at it as time to gather strenght and resources to come back stronger than ever.

You and me. And all those millions and millions of dreams.

*A very timely re-post. Thanks for the site, soulmate! Nice to share.

http://www.thefreedomexperiment.com/2011/08/25/push-it-to-the-edge-of-edges-how-to-take-care-of-yourself/

Blog Loving

2011-06-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

NEVER SETTLE, YOU DESERVE BETTER

by THENOTEBOOOK on JUNE 29, 2011 in GENERAL with NO COMMENTS

They always say, “never settle for less.” Never be okay with receiving less than you deserve. But how do you know what you deserve? You find yourself in a relationship where he doesn’t remember every little thing. But that’s okay, you tell yourself, because it’s not like you’ll find a guy who does. You don’t feel like the number one thing in his life, but are you ever going to find someone like that? Probably not, you tell yourself. So you take what you can get, because you realize you probably won’t get more than this.

Your heart will disagree though. Every time he forgets to call, your heart will cry out and ask why he forget. Every time he misses an event, your heart will demand to know what’s more important than you. Every time this happens, your heart will fracture a little more until one day you wake up and find you’re holding an unrecognizable pile of shattered pieces which once used to be your heart. You will know when you are receiving less. When you start to doubt and begin to wonder if you’re doing something wrong, then it’s less. When you lie awake at night and dream of something more, then you know it’s less. If you dream of someone else, then he’s definitely less.

So let me tell you one more time. You deserve the best. If you don’t feel a 100% of effort in the relationship, then it’s not what you deserve. Don’t feel the need to stay just because. If you don’t want to be in the relationship, leave. Break up and move on. Learn and look. Look for something better, because you deserve the best and nothing less.

And one day, you will find it and it will be so perfectly amazing. There will be ups and downs, but even at its worse it will be better than those other relationships at their best. So keep looking. Don’t give up.

- Rose Rice

http://findingloveinlife.webs.com/

Read it here:

http://notebookoflove.com/2011/06/never-settle-you-deserve-better/

Someday, soon.

2011-06-21T03:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. I have always desired a normal relationship with you, just because I know that us being like “best of friends” is not going to happen. I only wished for one that does not include bashing and harsh words when we fight because they are inevitable. It fails me every time, yet I never grew tired… until now.

Time and again you have shown me that what I desire is not possible – that you hate me too much to even try.

But hey, I would still like to think that I turned out fine. Hell, I know I did. I am different – yes, but not in a bad way. You might not be pleased with anything I have done, plan and currently do but I know that I am in a way pleased with myself. See, you think I haven’t achieved anything – probably true, but I have done a lot to be proud of; some things even that you should have done yourself.

I may have wronged you a couple of times, though in truth, some of these moves might be a result of what I have been shown ever since. Have you ever thought of that? No, of course not.

Awful, I know. I am not hating on you anymore – I have grown tired of that. Today I write this with sincere numbness, if such even exists.

No thanks to you, I am independent and unstoppable. I have a lot of bumps to overcome but I’m not expecting you to be there, you were never present anyway. I will get to where I want to go, be who I want to be, and one day you won’t be able to say anything – you might not say you’re pleased but I won’t care, at least you won’t say anything.

Wait for it.

One day, soon.

Recovery

2011-06-03T01:03:00.000-07:00

How crazily dramatic can one person get before they get tired of themselves? Hmm.

One lazy day at work and I end up re-visiting my blog and seeing myself for the past years. This may seem like another pointless post but since I got nothing to do, I should just write.

I've been in and out of things the pat couple of months, seeing as well that my last post was exactly 3 months ago; my birthday to be exact.

What has happened so far is that I have learned that now, I have fully succumbed to the idea of just going with the flow and see where this takes me. I am done over-thinking things. I am done over analyzing. Let's just let it be.

They say the world will end soon anyway, so why must I waste time pondering on things before they happen?

A quick analysis of myself will reveal though that I am not in my best state... with no idea on when I will be.

One thing is certain, when I find that thing that I need right now, I shall have it. Whatever the hell it takes.

I just want to be content and happy.

Birthday blog.

2011-03-03T03:11:00.000-08:00

Eh yung ang dami ko gusto gawin sa buhay ko, and I am not even sure if I have started?

So I turn 22 today. A year older, and wiser? I hope so.

My being 21 is a chapter in my life I vow never to forget. That was the year that I let myself loose and just become plain obtuse, it's crazy. The year that was. With all that's happened, I am glad I am now 22.

Weird thing is when it comes to birthdays, I'm not one to be all giddy and jumpy and shouting "It's my birthday!". Some people don't get that, but that's how I am. I see this day as a normal one where a page of my book turns and I am starting anew.

Bring it on 2011, bring it on being 22. :)

Oh 22 goals.

1. I must see a new doctor... regularly.

2. I must start managing my weight. Gamot or not.

3. I must of course seriously save. I'm not getting any younger.

4. I must show them what I got. :P

5. I must be able to prove them (oh myself included) otherwise.

6. I must see the world from a different angle.

7. I must get rid of all the complications in my life.

8. I have to get over.

9. I have to move forward, with much grace.

10. I have to spend time with my friends.

11. In line with 10, I have to be reminded of who they truly are.

12. I need to attend make - up classes.

13. I need to do yoga / pilates.

14. I need to do boxing.

15. I need to do pole dancing.

16. I need to get back to dancing.

17. I need to get my hair curled.

18. I want to travel with friends.

19. I want to go somewhere far on my own.

20. I want to finally master the sony slr camera.

21. I want to be able to get an internet line for the townhouse.

22. I must stop writing and start acting.

Life.

2011-02-13T23:13:00.000-08:00

So how ironic can life get? When you’ve finally found that one place you know you want to be part of for a long time, have grown madly in love with everything surrounding it and about it; flaws and imperfections considered, things make a quick turn that you aren’t prepared for and well, life happens.

Contrary.

2011-01-28T09:41:00.000-08:00

Last update was ages ago. Thought I should be fine by now, but apparently, there will always be times when I just have to stop pretending and face the reality that no, I am not yet okay.

Listening to songs over and over tonight isn't helping me much, but I can't help it. I still think of you at times when I know I shouldn't, and I still can not bring myself to accept the sad fact that all that happened to me, to us. Or maybe I have, I just keep on denying it.

What is it that's holding me back from finally just moving forward?

My boss once told me:

"Forgive yourself, so you can move forward."

Then I ask, now:

"How?"

I need to know, because quite frankly, the pain's getting a little too much to bear especially during these moments when I am at my most vulnerable state.

So Long, 2010.

2010-12-30T22:18:00.000-08:00

Have a long list of things to be thankful for, and if I enumerate it one by one, this post wouldn't end.

So let me leave it with this: farewell, 2010.

Leave all of 2010's pain behind, move forward to 2011.

Lessons learned the hard way, family ties strengthened, reunited with old friends and met new ones.

I just can't wait for you, 2011. :)

Happy New Year everyone!

New year, new beginnings, new things to learn and experience.

Face it with a positive attitude.

My Grown Up Christmas Wish, 2010

2010-12-07T05:05:00.000-08:00

So I have been trying to collect as much items as I could to come up with my own "Christmas wishlist" album for 2010 (mainly for my sister's sake since I know for a fact that my friends do not really give gifts) when it hit me that aside from the basic things I know I will always want and some other cute quirky stuff, regardless of the holiday season, I do not want anything else.

I think it's just safe to say that I have outgrown desiring all the material things I lay my eyes on. Hypocrisy aside, I just wish for things that can only be achieved if the whole country, much more so if the whole world, cooperated and worked together:

1. Peace - this is too much to ask for, I know. But I do believe there is hope.

2. Kindness - wouldn't our world be a much nicer place to live in if everyone had a kind heart?

3. Understanding - 'nuff said.

4. Equality - no to poverty. Imagine our world where everyone is of equal economic standing.

I can only wish, and pray.

I miss.

2010-11-27T22:16:00.000-08:00

Another declaration: I miss the way you make me feel, during those times that we were genuinely happy.

.

2010-10-19T07:41:00.001-07:00

eh namimiss kita.

Give It All Up

2010-10-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

So a month has passed since I last heard from you.

I finally mustered enough guts to start moving on. I feel like you are completely away now and I took it as my cue to turn this chapter of my book, to start anew.

I said I'll always have you in my heart and I don't think that's changing. You will always have and hold this huge portion of my heart, that no matter where life brings us, will remain the same.

For tonight, I surrender completely. All the open wounds, every inch of pain that I have in my heart I expose and take in. I want to feel every bit of it, and slowly move forward. I know that for a month now I have been realizing things and denying them, covering up obvious facts though the better me knows how stupid it seems.

I know I was loved, but it was not enough.

I know you changed, yet it was a tad too late.

I know you cared, but you could have cared more.

I know you said I was "the best and the one for you", but you failed to show me that, nor prove it even after I said goodbye.

I know you don't want to hear this coming from me, because you'd say it's the opposite, but I'll say it anyhow, you made me feel unworthy of anything. You made me feel like whatever I did, it would never be enough to make you treat me well. Well enough that you'd be able to hold back and pause whenever you get mad.

You made me feel these so much that I actually ended up believing them.

I feel like a lost cause.

I need to get these feelings and thoughts away from my system. I need to feel better about myself. I need to be reminded by myself that I am not who I learned to believe I was.

I've completely lost direction with my post. Just like myself I guess. I lost a whole lot of me.

If you're reading this, you have to be someone I know. Be wise enough to not mock me on this whenever.

Worthless.

2010-09-30T05:54:00.000-07:00

I woke up rather dead today. I didn't know what to make out of the day. I didn't want to move.
I initially thought that over the hours that Id be spending asleep, I would feel better. It is after all a brand new day.

Tears welcomed me while on my way to my morning commitment, and then I was okay the rest of the day. I was with friends, lunch and then for dinner. Yet now that I am once again alone, it comes back. And once again I cannot stop them from coming.

For those rare times that I asked for the smallest thing from you...

Was it that hard, really? I feel so unworthy.

Rub it in.

2010-09-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

I'm turning over a new leaf and will most probably turn it back again in a few days. Somehow I expected that this day will come.

If it was the effect of alcohol once again in my system, since it rarely is in there, or the company of friends I know I can totally be senseless and stupid around, I'm not sure.

I honestly have no idea how to write nor what to write here, I just have to let it out. It feels so heavy inside me. Tears won't suffice, it fell a few times yet it didn't help much. Music is helping, but it can only go so far as provide me with entertainment and a miniscule calming sensation. I need something more.

So I've heard everything: the comments, the attempts to put sense into me talks again and again from almost everyone. Somehow when I heard it again a few hours ago, I felt a huge stabbing pain. Guess you could say that I wasn't guarded like I usually am, nor was I expecting it'll be said with so much intensity that it'll cause this much emotion from me.

Shattered is a word I'd like to use. Went through the whole story of the weekend. Im not surprised though as to how much it pains me more whenever I tell the story. It's like brutally slapping myself every single time, again and again, and then once more. Sadly, it doesn't end there.

I mentioned the latest one. Casually mentioning it... that even when she spoke, I smiled. Heck I even laughed. But her words keep ringing in my head. Continuously. It was the final slap, the last I could take. Then again you proved my importance to you yet I didn't pay much attention to it. I once again gathered myself up and smiled despite that.

You are already gone I think. Perhaps it's best that you go. Antayin ko na lang, kasi isang araw aayos rin naman ako. I am going to take all the time I am going to need to be okay, and really I ask: How could you do this to me? How can you afford to break me this much, and then once more do so, even more forceful than the last?

And how is it that after everything, I still can't hate you?

Fail.

2010-09-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

I got this from Facebook: "that your pains are God's way to rouse you from slumber. Pain is your wake-up call to awaken, to look deeper into yourself, to adjust the course of your life. God tries to be as gentle as possible, and only if you ignore the call does the pain get stronger."

It's nice. It fits. Somehow I feel like you're already gone. And then it's hurting me deeply when I know it shouldn't. See there are days when I want you to hurt as much as I do, though I know for a fact that even if I get the chance to do so, I wouldn't. I love you too much.

I always hear from your siblings. They say they miss me and they want to see me, that they miss the fun times whenever we're together. I miss them a lot too, moreso you.

Promise me that you'll be okay.

I hope that one day, the pain goes away and I'll be better.

Fail.

3.

2010-09-24T10:31:00.001-07:00

I am extremely lonely tonight, mister.

I miss you and it feels like forever. I am sleeping alone tonight and well, I hate being alone. Somehow when I am all my thoughts lead back to you and everything we've shared.

I don't know. It feels so surreal.

How have you been?

My heart still beats for you... never changing, not wavering.

Goodnight love.

Hey Mister.

2010-09-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

I love you babe.
Forever and ever.

For You

2010-09-16T06:41:00.000-07:00

“ ‘So you believe in second chances now,’ he said, clarifying.‘I believe,’ I said, ‘in however many you might need to get it right.’ ”
—
Along for the Ride, by Sarah Dessen (via quote-book)

Date Night

2010-09-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

I was out tonight with Leslie. I love her to bits and I missed hanging out with her. We had frutti froyo and then of course, I remembered you. You hated Red Mango, loved White Hat though.

We talked endless about you and her boys, and then I smile to myself everytime I mentioned you.

Quite a scare today, huh? But well hopefully things continue to go well.

We were at the gym today love. I exhausted myself out. Had to. :)

I miss you, I guess I always will be missing you.

I love you.

Faithfully.

True Love

2010-09-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

Missed me?

Lately I've been dreaming random stuff. I have no idea what they mean, but all the more my dreams would always lead back to you. To us.

I missed you. Not like I stopped missing you but I do more so today than ever. I wasn't able to write over the past few days since I didn't really go online much, more of mobile surfing. My bill's going to hike up because of this.

It's Monday and I am wondering now how well your bible study went. Far as I know you're there till the 30th still.

Hmm so I am back in QC and I really get sad when I'm here. It reminds me so much of the times we spent here, and it makes me miss you more than I think is allowable.

You do know that I love you right? Some might think I'm crazy and that I'm imagining that I do love you, but what the hell. I'm feeling it.

I want to tell you so much stories. I just miss being able to talk to you.
I wish in the deepest of my soul that you are able to read all of these things.

I prayed to God last Sunday during Mass for you. For us and what is right and what His will is. I miss everyone, your brothers and Xiean. Alexie and I talk so it's good.

Wrapping this up since I've got homework to do love.

I love you. I know that it's real.

Three.

2010-09-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

Remember how I used to tell you how there are days when I'm seemingly overflowing with love for you? That my heart is bursting with love that saying the words simply do not suffice?

Well, tonight's one of those times. Come over here and kiss me, will you?

I love you. Sincerely, deeply.

“It’s not like you have a choice of who you love and who you don’t. You just love someone. It doesn’t mean that everyone else has to understand or approve of it. That’s not love. Love is something special between two people that doesn’t change or alter for anyone.”— (via poeticheartache)

Mid Day

2010-09-10T01:41:00.000-07:00

I just feel like ranting. This day started pretty bad for me.

I had a dream about you last night. It was awful. I woke up just staring into space, thinking if it would be possible that that dream would happen. I trust you enough to know that it won't, yet I feel really hurt just by thinking about that dream. It's crazy. I don't feel like it's right to just post it here but for an overview, it's really bad.

So then since it's a long weekend, we were planning to go to Baguio and spend it there. And as usual mom started to complain and contradict everything. I remember how I'd always rant about her and you'd simply ask amazed on how I'm not used to her yet. So anyway, another option then was to go to Pagudpud. Everyone was excited talking about it, saying we'd stop over Vigan and look around. That saddened me more since I, once again remembered our plans before of bringing my family to your hometown. Papa even teased me saying we might bump into you there, though I knew it wasn't really a possibility. Plans plans plans.

The siblings and I are also thinking of going to Bora this coming end of October, just the 5 of us. It'll be the first time we'd do that, and quite frankly I can't imagine how we'd survive the 4 day trip without actually killing each other. Planning pa lang everyone's fighting already!

Then there's also this plan of going to Singapore naman on November 26-30. This time the whole family lang, no extensions.

We've gone everywhere for the past week. I guess it helps me in a way since it keeps me "busy", yet it makes me sad knowing I can't share it with you. It's not as fun as it used to be everytime we went out before since at the end of the day I either meet you up or talk to you over the phone to just tell you all about the day. Then we'd make our endless plans...
Just the same, writing this makes me feel like I am. I know for a fact no one else reads this blog anyway.

So that's pretty much an update of what's going on with me now.

I badly want to ask you now, how about you, how are you? What have you been up to?

Loving you.

I Believe in Destiny

2010-09-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

It's been two days since my last letter. .

I couldn't resist today. What have you been up to? My laptop has been infected with some virus that Chippy's currently working on right now. He says he can fix it sans the reformatting, so for me to use the net I have to wait for everyone to finish and lend me theirs.

I miss you more today. We saw Letters to Juliet. It was so sweet, really touching. One true love, the story revolved. It made me cry pa. The lines are really moving.

I do hope everything's going okay for you. I wouldn't say fine, or good.. it might not be so. I'll be fine with okay. I also heard from Micro Sourcing, they said I'll hear from them this coming week. Fingers crossed!

I sometimes feel stupid with typing here, talking as if you can read this or hear me. I just feel like you can read this and then in a way we communicate. But who cares if I look stupid. I enjoy doing it and well, it helps me. A lot.

Well, I miss you, if I haven't said it enough, I do. And yes, my love for you has grown stronger these days that we are apart. One line from the movie goes something like, "It only takes courage to follow your heart", then I guess I am not that strong, or, for lack of a better word, courageous yet. I am almost ready.

So I guess I have to sleep now. I think if we can actually hear each other, I'd be listening to your lectures now regarding sleeping late and all its harmful effects on my body.

Goodnight my love. Even from a distance, I continue to love you.

Daily Dose

2010-09-07T08:07:00.000-07:00

So today, what did you do?

I guess you were at work. How's work? Are things getting better? Flashback suddenly hits me of how often we discuss your work, and my endless rants on finding one, yet never showing up for interviews. I miss those.

I heard a few things today. Heard you're getting better. I'm glad. I hope it continues and then soon i'll hear that you are well again.

I also talked to Nikki today. Yeah we've been constantly communicating, she's been a complete angel listening to me and patiently answering me. I told her about my fears... of that day, when finally I am able to go back to you. Will you still be there?

I dreamt of you. It was a nice dream. I got sad at first, then it ended really well. If that was a preview of what'll happen soon, i'd love it very much.

So I end it here. I did some things today, and every single time I moved, I talked to you. I think i'm going crazy talking to you in thin air, hoping real hard that it reaches you. Just so you know, I do that all the time. I talk to you as if you're right beside me listening.

Well, I want to try sleeping early tonight.. Nothing wrong with trying anyway. I might get lucky. I imagine you creeping up next to me when you decide to sleep and hugging me, the way you always do.

I love you, always and forever.

Letter

2010-09-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

Hey love,

How are you? I have been constantly thinking about you. Since all these began, you have never, not even once, left my mind. I keep thinking about how you're doing, what you're doing, how much you're eating.. or if you shaved that stubborn hair of yours. Hmm. It makes me smile thinking about these yet it pierces me more when I realize that as for now, this is as far as I can go... think.

Until now, I am hoping that true to what you said since that last day we spent together, about 4 days ago, you do understand. Still not a day goes by, or a minute that I do not think of you, but this time, I also think of that day when I can see you and be with you again.

You said there's no certainty, but I feel that in the end, like in the movies, one day we will meet and with no exchange of words, we'd know.

It'll be sweet. Who knows? It's a possibility. I pray.

I miss you. Really. Sometimes I wish that by thinking hard enough my words will find their way to you.

One day, we will find our way back together.

I love you. I really, really do.

Forever and ever. I hold on to that still.

Destiny.

2010-09-05T10:54:00.001-07:00

I want to go back, come running into your arms and forget..
A better part of me says I shouldn't. It's for the better.
Everyday, I wonder at how this time, God will bring us together. I just know that He will.
No one will ever understand really, since I am the one who feels it. I know now, I am pretty sure.. it is you. They may not see it, but I do.

Give it all to destiny. Let that and our love bring us back together.

Funny how I should be fuming mad and hurt now, yet I can only bring myself to feel love for you, deeper than before.

Let's see. I can't wait for that day. I love you, that won't change.

.

2010-09-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

I want to see you.
I want to shout at you.
I want to hug you and be able to hold your hand and just say forget this. But I can't.
I want to see you and just ask you questions.
I want to blame you.
For this pain.
You said you love me. You said you care.
I just want to shout at you. and blame you. continuously. until the pain goes away.
Until I get back to my old self and thus be strong again once more to brave the fight with you.
I want you to understand how painful everything is.
I want you to see how much it hurts.
I need you to understand.
Despite everything, I want to be there for you.
I want to be able to take your pain away,.
I don't want to go through the pain of thinking about you and how you are. How much pain you're in.
I don't want to go crazy imagining what you're doing.
It hurts so bad.
It hurts.
I love you too much.
Ayoko na.

..

2010-08-28T10:30:00.001-07:00

And then you ask, where did it go wrong?

Usually, it takes enough courage to own up to something and stand by it. Tonight I'd like to wish I didn't.

Was it that inevitable?

2010-08-28T05:08:00.001-07:00

And then it happened. For the first time in 6 months, it almost seems real.

Tell me we can walk away together. Tell me so.

Probably not.

Do you know where your heart is?

.

2010-07-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

Giving up.

The Big C.

2010-06-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

It has now hit us. And Im in totality, scared. Who would've thought? My mom with that diagnosis.

Please pray for her. That the operation will come smoothly, and that no complications be seen after.

And as early as now, I pray to the gods and the God that my dad won't discover anything as big as this too once he starts getting his tests.

.

2010-06-05T04:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes if you really want to make things work you've to keep your mouth shut and put your hurt aside. -Michael Ondaatj

Do You?

2010-02-21T08:03:00.000-08:00

I have no idea why but this song is simply appealing to me now.

21 Guns by Green Day

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

THIS close.

2010-02-21T05:34:00.000-08:00

Facebook message:

All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.

Huy, hinay hinay ha. Malapit na. Ulit.

Message to you. :)

2010-02-21T05:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's really hard to accept death as it comes. Whenever I encounter stories as such, it makes me sad and at the same time, really scared.
I won't elaborate on this topic.
.
.
Karla, wherever you are now, know that our prayers go with you and that we love you to bits. We might not have shared as much memories as our other friends do, I still can feel the pain of losing you. The short moments we shared will forever be treasured. You are a huge loss to this world, to all of us. Be at peace now. :) Say hi to Em and my grandmother for me, okay? Ingat sa byahe!

Christmas

2009-12-15T05:21:00.001-08:00

I love the holidays. There's no denying how much I enjoy the serenity around me during the Christmas season. A lot of shitty things have been happening around my country yet I still have faith that kindness will prevail.

I have been to and fro malls and bazaars finding the perfect gifts for all of those I truly cherish. If you'd be receiving something from me, no matter how big or small, it simply means that I cherish you to the deepest of my soul. :)

So whatever, merry christmas to all. Happy holidays!

Long time.

2009-12-15T05:14:00.001-08:00

Find peace in the fact that you are here with me.

We all have moments when we think otherwise, when other people crosses us.

It's something we can not prevent.

Something I as human can not resist too.

But like I said, find peace in that fact.

Had I wanted you out, you would've been told.

Realities.

2009-10-04T09:14:00.000-07:00

SAD FACT: I don't feel you ever will again.
Will you? Prove it.

Hurricane.

2009-09-26T02:02:00.000-07:00

Most of the Filipino people are either on their rooftops now, stuck in traffic, stranded in the flood or sleeping in their homes. Wala lang. I decided to write lang.

My store just turned one last Sept. 22, yey! I didn't have much time to update it and put some promos or what-nots. I'm so busy with work, and with cooking up things to release come November. It's funny how I dont draw but ill be releasing my own designs soon. hehe. Here's a lame teaser I made for the skirts section:

I know, I need to brush up my photoshop editing knowledge. Wouldn't say skills since I don't really have them. Will show the dresses teaser soon.

Right now, I am experiencing financial problems just like any shopaholic would. What can I do? Can't stop shopping! So yes, now I am looking for ways on how I can earn more money so I can buy more. haha. It's hard when you have people to feed. (Talking as if im a mom here.) and shop for! Your budget gets all limited.

I am also in a state of confusion. Regarding every aspect of my life. Not enumerating them though. I just wish things were easier. And that everything was easier.

It makes me wish na sana I can go back to that certain phase in my life where I did not care about anything, just going with the flow and letting the tides take me wherever. Parang swimming lang - free floating. Kahit san kahit ano na lang.

I will always fall in love with a good guitar player, piano, or drums. They're hot in every angle.
Naisip ko lang. haha. Oh and dancers. These skills are the best ways to my heart........
Who am I kidding? Anyone who can make me laugh and take care of me, treat me like a princess or some priceless item that they can't bear to hurt is enough to make me swoon.
Hay pag-ibig.

See that chanel earrings? I love those.

haha. ayoko na magtype.

This post has no direction. It's frustrating.
See, this is what the rain does. My mind is like a hurricane that is continuously spinning and not knowing when to stop.

A GETAWAY.

2009-08-23T01:59:00.000-07:00

The Bottom Line

Be patient. A friend is having a hard time managing their partnership with you.

In Detail

How long has it been since you made a real effort to get away from it all? Okay, you may not be able to get away to Aruba on the spur of the moment (although if you can, you definitely should), but you can find a few moments to spend some TLC on yourself. How about a walk in the park before work? Maybe a few hours after work with the phone unplugged and your favorite book? It's amazing how refreshing even a brief respite can be.

Hmm. Sige ngaa i want a getaway. Kahit one night lang. :)

Take me away.

It Fits.

2009-08-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

IT FITS.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
.
Pisces
The Bottom Line
..
You think that by taking over you are doing everyone a favor, but it's an illusion.
..
In Detail
..
It's officially time to toss the tissues, stop worrying about the past and put some distance between you and whoever or whatever has been making you feel so blue lately. Come on. You've seen way too much of your apartment lately. Your cat is even trying to figure out how to ask you if there isn't someplace else you should be. Go ahead. Get out there and have some fun. You've put in your time. Go play!
.
.
Goodbye then.
This is how it goes I guess?
.
.
I have to get moving.
And you, (yeah you), you have to get moving too.

United States of America.

2009-08-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

Waking up at 10 in the morning, getting up and heading straight to the bathroom to fix myself. A couple of minutes later smell the delicious aroma of a heat-in-the-microwave bacon bagel and then baking cookies after. Give the dishes a run – through under the faucet and then put them in the dispenser. Easy life.

Wonder then what the agenda is for the day. Shopping, eating some more perhaps? Or a bit of family bonding, which means either non-stop talking from the parents and aunts, picture taking with cousins and screaming from nephews and nieces fighting over the Wii or whatever game they intend to play or non-stop betamax marathon of the old times. Some days end good, some don’t. But yeah, it was family. Fun times.

nieces, nephews

aunts and uncs :)

cousins. not complete.

fun times :)

.Kuya Al. LOVE >3
.
.

Oh. Off to a hot Florida. Swim every night after an exhausting day, uh help out the cousin who ran after a baby duckie and ended up scraping her knee, issues, blah, ATTEMPT to get tanned and fail, more family bonding moments, meet new people. Another set of fun times.

.
the girls at FLorida.
.
.

.
Chicago.
.

Off to another state. And another. This time more of mall hopping, sight seeing, road trips which also included hours and hours of non-stop driving to be able to view mountains, the DAM, or freeze from the foggy San Francisco; attempts to get me drunk while at 20 and not legal, view awesome Vegas and stay home since I can’t come with the rest who went to TAO , all the while cursing myself for being at Vegas and NOT being 21 but nonetheless having fun. (Underage whatever.) Or probably go to Universal Studios or spend a couple of hours inside Sephora trying on countless make-ups, inside Forever21, Urban Outfitters and the like, then eat Pink Berry to end the day. Bonus days include baby sitting the cute and super giddy Matti.

.
Vegas
.

Vegas still.

Ate Lai and Matti. (LA)

Ate Sha and Ate Tin. Lalalalove. :) (UNIVERSAL LA)

San Francisco.

Thanks, Leng. :)
.
.

Ahh. I miss the States. How I wished I could have stayed. Yeah I would miss a lot here in the Philippines and be screwed by the time I get back, but the opportunity to stay for a while was there. But well, it was a far shot. Now I’m home. And I miss everybody back there. And I have to face a lot of people now, and then of course face the bitter reality that I have to find work. Segway.

I miss you guys. I had the best summer anyone can ever ask for. J Looking at the pictures make me want to cry and wish I never had to go home. Thank you. I wish and pray that soon, we can go back and be complete, or that soon, we do the touring here in the Philippines.

Yeap. That's us. Somewhere in Dutch Land on the way to FisCo.
Thank you. :)

Kim Ng, I am slowly beginning to believe you.

2009-07-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

It's July. It's 7:30pm. About a year and five months ago, I would be planning projects for something I have been working on for the whole summer.
.
It was established. Back then I never thought that a year after, it would be on the verge of falling - coming from someone who should be making it float. What's worse is that upon hearing things. I am beginning to believe it.
.
I am trying to comprehend things. Perhaps this year is different, this year might be harder.
.
I hope you understand why I am blogging like this.
.
When you entered and took that role, you know you were in for something different, something extra hard. So step up and own up to it. I understand circumstances now are making it even harder, but that's all part of it. It's a challenge.
.
One step at a time. Consider everything everyone before you worked for though.
.
Don't do this. Wake up wake up. You have a lot to do.

US AGAINST THE WORLD.

2009-04-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

I am currently obsessing over the song.
i am not sure why. Probably because of what is happening around me these past few days. Oh well.
See you in 40 days.
.
.

Us Against The World lyrics
.
If the sun shuts down and decided not to shine no more
I would still have you, baby
If we see the last day and they say we gotta go to war
I'll be fighting with you, baby
Cause I know if I'm falling, you won't let me hit the ground
If the boat is sinking, I know you won't let me drown

No matter what anyone could say
This is the only place for me
And no one could ever take that away
Nothing could come between us

If the sun shuts down and decided not to shine no more (No more)
I would still have you, you, you, you, you, you, you
If we see the last day and they say we gotta go to war (To War)
I'll be fighting with you, you, you, you, you
Because it's us against the world
The world, the world
You know it's us against the world
The world, the world, ohh

Now if I'm lost at sea 7 days I'm not alone
If I'm holding you, you, you, you, you
And if it all end's, everybody in the world is gone
I'll be standing with you, baby

And if it's the last breath I take
I'll leave my kiss my with you
If there's a wall between us, baby
I know I'll break through

No matter what anyone could say
This is the only place for me
And no one could ever take that away
Nothing could come between us

If the sun shuts down and decided not to shine no more (No more)
I would still have you, you, you, you, you, you, you
If we see the last day and they say we gotta go to war (To War)
I'll be fighting with you, you, you, you, you
Because it's us against the world

Nothing's stronger now than you and I
Cause your love is all I got
And this ain't never gon' stop
No, whoa
There's no distance here when we're apart
Come on in from the cold
Lay your head on my shoulder
Ride like a soldier
I'm a stay right here

If the sun shuts down and decided not to shine no more (No more)
I would still have you, you, you, you, you, you, you
If we see the last day and they say we gotta go to war (To War)
I'll be fighting with you, you, you, you, you
Because it's us against the world
The world, the world
You know it's us against the world
The world, the world, ohh [Repeat]
.
.

2009-04-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

go this from a friend.
take it rin, it's nice. :).
http://vn247.net/flash/Color-and-Me.swf
.
these are my results :)
.
the house - You have a strong personality that likes to take risks if the rewards are worth it. You don't like being told what to do and prefer to take matters into your own hands.
.
the polo - You are bubbly and approachable. Unrestricted by the latest fashion trends, you buy clothes only when they look good on you.
.
the rose - You are a calm person, and a good listener. You are comfortable with allowing others to take the spotlight and prefer to share in their adventures. You are protective towards your friendships and give your time freely.
.
the car - You make sure that your possessions will boost your image, no matter whether it's a necessity or not. If one of your friends has it, you must have it as well.
.
the cellphone - Loves to talk to friends - keeps in close contact with friends. You are very outgoing and have no problem saying what you think.
.
the bear - You are very considerate. Friendship is the world to you, and you are friends with everyone. Be careful, as sometimes this works against you if you are too trusting.
.
.
funny. :P

the horoscope.

2009-04-16T12:00:00.001-07:00

I seriously just want to share this horoscope. I check my friendster when I have spent over 3 hours on the internet and I still do not want to stop. About twice a week. And I rarely check my horoscope. and now that I did, I just like it. :)

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)[?]

The Bottom Line
.
It might not be easy for you to open up about your feelings, but it'll be healthy.

In Detail

It might not be easy for you to open up about your feelings right now, but if you want to have someone in your life, you need to let them in. It's time to let down your guard and show someone just how much you trust them by sharing a secret or a wish. You don't have to listen to your doubts or fears of rejection anymore. Listen to your own heart and understand that you are capable of handling whatever consequences your actions bring your way. Be vulnerable.

la la love. :)

LAST LAUGH

2009-04-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

so yes, i had the last laugh.
.
who ever said i did laugh that day though?

SUE ME.

2009-04-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

it's so freaking frustrating when you're stuck with people who are so consumed with all their fucked-up stories and justifications about things only they see.

a little rationality and maturity won't hurt anybody right? we all know what transpired, we all know how much of a pain it has been but really, do we really have to act like we're some 3 year old kid sulking after the other 3 year old broke his newly bought and cherished robot.

whatever. sometimes it takes more courage to accept the truth, to actually think of the other side and how they are coping. to let people realize that there are certain things in life you have to accept and not bad-mouth whoever you have to just so you'd feel better.

so okay i hate the day. sue me.

*disclaimer: no meaning must be placed to such words or phrases where there is none intended. this is solely for the benefit of the writer..me!

the end result

2009-03-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

i was told that it was bound to get better. that things will eventually turn out well. pero when will this start to happen? hello depression.
.
grabe. I am not really sure of what to write. all i know is i want to write. i want to vent it all out. kaso paano ko mavevent when i dont even know what to say?
.
.
eh kahit anong gawin mo. kahit anong sabihin mo. kahit anong ikilos mo, may nasasaktan ka, may natatapakan, may napapahamak, may nahihirapan. eh pag hindi ka kumilos, magsalita o ano pa, anong mangyayare, magagalit din. masasaktan din. eh fuck life.
yung mga akala mo andyan para sayo all the time and will understand, or at least try to, wala rin.
eh sino pa kakausapin mo? pakabaliw ka na lang.
.
ang hirap.
ang hirap.
kelan ba papasok ang mga bagong tao sa picture?
.
hiraaap.
.
whatever. let this be the final blow. the last thing i do.
i want to leave na for the states. now na. pwede?

F.

2009-03-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

until when will you leave us hanging?
how many friendships do i have to lose for this?
how many people should be stepped on and hurt?

hindi ko na alam kung paano ako gagalaw mula dito sa sobrang kababaan na to. kung saan nyo kami inilagay. hindi ko na alam kung paano ako magsisimula bumangon. nung una, kinaya ko. pero ito, sobra to.

major. the anxiety. the tension. the stress.
heartless people.

para bang, bastusan na. sabi nga ng isa, added insult to the injury.
ano ba ginawa namin para pahirapan kami ng ganito?

tapos kapalit nito ano. losing good relationships.

oh di good.
sana lang masaya kayo. sana lang, nag enjoy kayo sa naganap.

i need a friend. yung tipong pag kwinentuhan mo, makakaintindi. Siguro kung hindi to naganap, walang awkward awkwar eh matetext ko siya ngayon tapos masasabi ko yung sakit at hinanakit ko.

eh hindi rin. dahil din dito, wala ako makausap. walang makaintindi. wala akong mapagsabihan ng lahat ng nararamdaman ko, walang tago tago.

hay. minsan feeling ko bigla na lang ako sasabog.

oh well. let's see who gets the last laugh na lang.
.
.
.
.
.
ready? fight.

aiko

2009-03-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

wala kang karapatan kumontra.
dahil sa mga oras na to, ito ang nararamdaman ko.
.
.
I AM A FAILURE.
CERTIFIED.
.
.
.
bye.

Beyond Words.

2009-02-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

It is kind of surprising how a seminar can make one cry right?

When you are at a state where nothing seems to be right;

When you discover that the doubts all seem to be true;

When you realize that your hero is probably unconsciously breaking everyone apart;

When you see that everyone is getting hurt and a solution is nowhere to be found..

IT is in fact surprising.

That one seminar.

That one particular conversation.

One YM message.

Three text messages.

Triggers a break down.

One that's so friggin' hard to stop.

One that allows you to realize.

it's never going to end.

pointless? Not if you know how to comprehend things.

weird? Maybe.

Perfect? Not.

2009-02-19T04:49:00.000-08:00

I used to brag about us.

About how seemingly close to perfect we are. And never did I imagine that there will come a time when we will all even begin to fall apart.

Bakit ganito? You were that one person I always looked up to. I admired you, and acutally wished a lot of those out there are like you. Until now.

Enough with the lame attempts of diverting the attention to this. It's hurting everyone, yet you don't seem to care.

And for the first time, I am going to talk.. because I broke down.

I can not take it anymore.

everythng changed drastically. I don't even know you anymore.. I cant approach you to talk, the way we used to.. Parang before I can just share everything and anything to you.. But you have become a complete stranger to me that it feels so weird to share anything to you..

The light and happy mood that was once there is now GONE..

Yet with all these, I can't even feel hate. All I feel is numbness.. I guess just like everyone else, I am in denial, that no matter how much the truth slaps me in the face I can't bring myself to just accept this.

It hurts so bad.. And we do not even know if this is just a phase or something that will last long..

Please.. I am praying that this stops before it inflicts even more damages to us.. to everyone.. and like the other said, it hurts more to see that everyone is getting damaged.

Because I dreamt the other day of that big confrontation happening. It's a scene I wouldn't want to happen.

Sana it doesn't get too big, that we all end up hating you and shuting you from our lives.

Christmas 2008.

2008-12-24T05:54:00.000-08:00

This year, Christmas is way different.
I did not push through with posting my materialistic wishlist.

Tapos the air around me, sobrang iba rin.

For 2 years, I was used to having you around. Not like you're completely gone. It just feels so different. Everything. I have forgotten how weird it feels, this all feels. How sad and scary it feels. Then I think of all the negativity inside me and wonder, how will I get through this without you here beside me?

Im at a loss. But it's all for the better. We both know that, right?

I love you just the same.

(to readers, do not put an issue where there is none. thanks. :P )

This morning I went to the Basilica Minore with someone I never thought I'd go with. labo much. Thanks for going with me kahit I poked your eye accidentally and hit your nose which is injured. Darn that senior guy na naniko sayo. You guys won the game nonetheless. Congratulations.

Anyway, the church looked so different, nice different, that I had to spend a good three minutes just staring at the Church and be reminiscent. The mass was good, the church was good, and I bumped into a HS friend. I missed you Kweenie. We should really get together.

Then at around 12:30, went to the supermarket for some last minute panic buying. Not for Christmas gifts but more for the Noche Buena. While waiting for my mom to get her meat and whatever ready, I merely looked around and observed.

Ang saya-saya talaga ng Pilipinas pag pasko. Kahit saan ka tumingin, masaya yung lahat. Kahit yung mga mukhang may problema, ang saya parin nila.

If you're a frequent supermarket shopper, you'd notice the difference on the faces of the shoppers. On normal days some of them would be grumpy and just can't wait for their shopping lists to be completed and leave, but today, everyone was smiling. It didn't matter how many people were there, or how long it's taking them. All I saw was pure joy, pure happiness from their faces.

It feels good to be home for Christmas. All I know is that despite all the cries, fears, worries and liver-destroying parties I went to before the Christmas break, I'd be able to smile and laugNih sincerely and actually be able to greet my whole family and everyone I love a truly merry christmas.

So, Merry Christmas to you all. If you're reading this, then you probably are one of the people who made my life meaningful.

Thank you.

Eliters.
My AIESEC friends and family.
Kapamilyas.
New found friends. BM, Subject, Partner, NFF, Rojie, everyone else.
Mhela.
Trio.
Pimpi.
Ryan.
Superfriend.
Nikki.

Enjoy the holidays.

Better in Time.

2008-12-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

all for you.

and me, i guess.

(Ooooh)

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll be living
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

tick..tock.

2008-12-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

tick.tock.tick.tock.

time's running.

get ahold of everything. youmay never know, it might pass you by.

grab it. hold it. dont let it go.

if you do. bye then.

be careful. supporters are around.

im almost there..

tick.tock.tick.tock.

tick.

tock.

to the superfriend, and the good friend

2008-12-01T07:58:00.000-08:00

*copied from mickey*

i was informed of this, a few hours ago. I saw the stars, but not the moon.

i love it. said to happen every 48 years only.

two stars [venus and jupiter] and a crescent moon smilling up above us tonight..[12-01-08]

this cute thing here, i send it over to you two.

be friends again.

Christmas..not.

2008-12-01T07:24:00.000-08:00

This is harder than I thought.

At first I didnt pay much attention. I never imagined it'll get this big.

Can't a simple "sorry" work its magic now?

Damages has been done. It's sad.

Christmas is just around the corner, but it doesn't feel like Christmas at all.

Just when everything between us is finally getting okay, and visions of happy tree friends start occupying my mind, I find out that it's this deep, like there's actually no end to it.

I gave in. I went out. Im trying.

Let's see.

When you're in the middle of a really big fight, who do you side with?

The superfriend, or the returning good good friend?

..

2008-11-05T07:05:00.000-08:00

there are words left unsaid.

and might be better left that way.

sometimes, a little understanding goes a long way.

Vague post.

2008-10-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

Would you rather..

you know the truth and get totally hurt?

or

not know the truth, and forever wonder about your suspicions?

either way, you get hurt.

you're breaking us apart. i look up to you.
bakit ganito.

you're slowly destroying this once broken thing. I used to think that my life was near perfect, till last summer that this thing happened. And then somehow everything managed to get better, pero now, what are you doing?

why are you doing this, if you are indeed?

don't you see how much it hurts us?

i hate you. this is new, for im pertaining to someone i never imagined id say it to.
i hate you for making me, and this other person very special to me feel this way. we cant hate you. we have a longing to be with you. but you're doing this.

we dont know exactly what to feel.
would it be anger?
or confusion?
or pain?

im not sure. all i know is it's hurting us so much, and you don't seem to care.

Im glad ill be gone for two weeks, almost.

Of sleepless nights

2008-10-06T05:32:00.000-07:00

oh well.

staying up for three straight days.

not seeing your family for a week.

no social life for almost a month.

leaving the house to do the effin presentation.

sleepless nights.

i thought this day would end it all. or for now at least.

no.

you do not know how to listen.

you put us in this situation. include us in your feud. blame us.

we are at the losing end.

to you, strama mates, kudos.

we did well. we were good. our paper was good.

see, until now, i can not understand how everything happened. or why. or even, what was wrong. i don't get it.

ang sakit.

wala ka naman kasalanan, sumunod ka lang, ginawa mo ng maganda, pinagpaguran mo at pinaghirapan, pinagpalit sa mga mahahalagang bagay, pero sa huli, mali ka pa rin. bakit? kasi sumunod ka. ang labo diba?

we can do this, and we will kick their asses. satin ang last laugh. :)

so to instant noodles, Marla's coffee, Marla's study room, pugon and liver spread, endless soda, hello again.

2008-08-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

Carmela "supermhela" Write up

Like i said, my goal is to boost you since for the past few weeks your blog has been about being really down and all.

We both did not make it but that doesnt mean we're no good. right?
Here's the write up i made for you. i do hope you like it.

I wanted to say more, i had to delete a lot from it na since it's over 200 na. hahahaa. here:

She is everything but ordinary.

All it takes is one conversation with her to make you admire her, for she has this magical way of turning a simple conversation into one that you’re sure to never forget. Her words never fail to inspire and motivate people.

She also has this infamous style of luring people into believing everything she says. She talks with conviction and stands for what she believes is right.

She is bizarre.

Once in a while you catch her staring long and hard at someplace, obviously day dreaming, then be surprised when she suddenly laughs, or shouts some frantic reaction.

It’s cute, but downright weird. And she doesn’t care.

She is vain and in denial.

She likes asking how her voice sounds when talking, how she looks when she walks, even how her bags look on her. She is vain in the most peculiar way, and denies it.

She is super.

You’d always hear her saying she’s not good enough or that she’s average and can’t compete with others. This is humility at its best.

She is without a doubt, a born winner. She just has to be convinced that she is. :P

She is Mhela.

This is me. From her perspective.

2008-08-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

Nicole Cruz Write Up

FEARLESS. That's how everyone perceives aiko, as she would always have that look on her face saying “I’m ready for anything”. She never backs out of anything and never bows down on challenges and hardships. She’s that person who will stand out from the crowd not only because of the fashionable dress that she would be wearing, but also because of the tenacity within her. She is the person that people would want to be around with, because her persistence and hard work inspires other’s to do things with the best of their abilities.

But one thing that everyone doesn’t know about her is that she also has the biggest heart. She unconditionally loves helping people. Her biggest dream is not to succeed or to be on top, but to serve and help those who are in need. She would be the first person you’d see volunteering in outreach programs; and would have the biggest smile on her face when interacting with less-fortunate children.
So who is Aiko? She's fearless in all the things she would do and all the while reaching out whenever she can to the people who need her. That’s aiko for you.

- this was the first, which, well. i liked, but i asked for another one nonetheless :P

200 words about her..

Aiko is one of those few people who you will meet and you’d know right away that she’s going to mean something in your life.

She is a fighter, because she never lets anything stop her from pursuing her dreams and goals. Her persistence has lead her to accomplish great things, one of which is reviving AIESEC, an organization where is she currently the president. Through her leadership she has inspired others to do things with the best of their abilities and even more.

She’s unbelievably wise for her age, as she has went through hardships and troubles that some of us would never be able to survive. She takes those experiences, preserving them, keeping them safe inside her heart, because everything she is now, is because of the learnings she has gotten from those experiences. She is not afraid to share them, if she knows that by doing so she would be able to help and influence people.

She is the person that you would meet who would always put everyone's needs before her; Who would unconditionally love and help those close to her heart. These are the reasons why she means so much to everyone who knows her.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

2008-08-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you make me sick. No, make that, all the time.

Why can't you just see past the flaws, and for once appreciate or at least SEE, the good things I do?

When will I ever be good enough for you? Ang dami mong sinabi ngayong araw na to, sobrang sakit. Hindi mo naman ako maiintindihan, wala ka namang alam. Sa totoo lang, wala ka karapatan sabihin lahat yun, kasi nga, wala kang alam.

I am so hurt. I thought things have changed. I thought you've changed. Pero hindi, you continue to hurt me. Worst part is, I am getting hurt with the things you're saying, about the things I'm doing to try and please you.

Bakit ka ganyan? Ano bang kasalanan ko sayo?

Sa lahat ng sinabi mo ngayon, hindi ko pinakita na nasaktan ako. Kasi pag ginawa ko yun, lalo ka magagalit.

I hope you're happy with what you did. Kasi once again, for someone who's supposed to be lifting me up, you have succeeded in pulling me down.

So, Are You Smarter?

2008-06-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER?

You need to come up with the correct number to open the attachment. (SEE BELOW)
Good luck with this and have fun! This is a 5th grade math problem. If you can't stand word math problems, just delete now.

If you can open the spreadsheet, you'll see it's a very small list of people who have gotten the correct number. This is not a trick question. This is a real math problem so don't say that a bus has no legs.

- There are 7 girls in a bus.

- Each girl has 7 backpacks.

- In each backpack, there are 7 big cats.

- For every big cat there are 7 little cats.

Question:
How many legs are there in the bus?

The number of legs is the password to unlock the Excel sheet.

If you open it, add your name and send it on to see who else can unlock it. (See attached file: copy of answer sheet-3-1.xls)

Hint: No bus driver.

ATTACHMENT: HERE (it's on my multiply site :P )

HEY, SISTER

2008-05-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

Isa pa. I am angry. at you. I told someone I'd try not to bring this out, but since I am extremely annoyed already, I have to vent it out. Misinterpretation man to, wala akong pake.
YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE.

sakto pa sa friendster comment oh.

The Bottom Line

A friend's ambiguous comments will irk you -- you need to find out what they meant.

In Detail

A friend's very ambiguous comments will plant a seed in your brain that grows throughout the day and might start to drive you a little nuts. What exactly did they mean? Well, if you want to get to the truth about what they think, you need to come right out and ask them. They might be surprised by your boldness, but they will appreciate the fact that you want clarity -- because they want clarity too. Yet again, you will see how being honest is always a good thing for relationships.

----

You have the nerve to go on talking about people being like this and that, pero hey sister, take a look at yourself. Can you even compete with the people you keep on bashing? Are you at par?

Wag tayo nagengealam kasi. Ang pathetic lalo tignan.
Wag ka magfeeling na alam mo lahat. kasi wala kang alam.
You are so fucking good with ruining people's lives, blaming them for your own misery.
Wag ganon. Dyan ka lang kasi magaling. Sa salita. Puro daldal. Eh pag kikilos na, asan ka na? Wala.
Gone like the wind.

Bato bato sa langit tamaan wag magalit.

AIESEC ++

2008-05-30T19:32:00.001-07:00

i am beyond exhausted.
i am sick. i am stressed. but i am liking every minute of it.

AIESEC is proving to be a lot harder than I thought, but hey, who's complaining? It was the first four-day conference I've attended na out of town, wherein not for a single moment was I bored. Literally, these people from AIESEC do know how to work hard and party even harder. So friends, I swear, AIESEC is the org for you.

Segway lang yun.

I am really exhausted. I got sick from all the stress, puyat and pagod of the OJT plues the devcon plus the Davao Amazing Race experience with the AIESECers of DLSU. One hell of an experience, right?

I am also frustrated. No, Im not angry at you.. disappointed maybe, but sige, if you say you can't then fine, sabi nga ni Tabbee, not everyone's made for AIESEC.
Im proud of you pa din. =)

for all my new friends there waiting for the DevCon pictures from my camera, i'll upload them tomorrow. wait lang kayo. I miss you all. See you sa stamm! =)

OJT Blues

2008-04-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

I waited so long for calls of companies willing to accept me sa OJT. then miss Mendoza gave us this company around Makati, and since I was desperate to start working, go.

The company is called groupm/MindShare/maxus. oh it's confusing. the "interview" turned out to be a briefing. i guess miss mendoza did most of the selling so an interview really wasn't necessary.

I have no idea how to operate a photocopying machine, let alone make coffee (except for the 3-in-1 types), so i was freaking out a bit during our first day. It was a relief though to find out that our boss has decided to treat us like staff, meaning, we won't be doing what normal interns do. We don't scan ( no offense to docu cleaners out there :D), we don't photocopy, and all those stuff you'd normally expect from an OJT. We have to make reports, revise brochures, create fact books (like what the hell is a fact book, right?) and a lot more. It's nice to learn more about powerpoint and excel, and to get tips from the boss himself on how to make our presentations better.

What better way to learn than from the boss himself right?

So, I am not a commuter. I do commute, but if I can avoid it, I do so. Or if I really have to, I try not to take the train or whatever public transpo during the rush hours. But since I will be working at Makati, (which means that if I do bring my car it'll take me three - four hours going to and fro the office, and will make me spend 150 a day for parking only.), I had to commute. It's the whole walk-LRT-walk-MRT-jeep/bus/fx/taxi process. The heat is totally unbearable. On the first day, we decided to leave early, so as not to join the mad crowd of the metro. Lo and behold, I can't help but think that the whole Philippines is taking the MRT. The women are surprisingly more agressive than the men, and my god, the challenge of getting on the train makes me want to cry. hahaha.

This whole scenario of commuting everyday makes me think hard and reflect a lot, really. It seems so normal for everyone to just, commute. I think each commuter must be given an award for their patience and perseverance, or better yet, they should be provided more services. I still think that a queue for the MRT entrance and exit itself would be nice. It would help minimize pushing and stuff. A line makes everything a bit organized. Right? Also, I think that the connecting bridges or whatever it's called must be air conditioned. Well hello, those with a car may be stuck in traffic but they don't have to suffer too much heat. So for the commuters who spend an hour going to work and even two going home, most of the time standing, they should at least be given that comfort. The wonderful aircon. What the hell am I saying? haha. AIR CON everywhere! :D Mental note: Thank the person who invented the AIR CON every single day of my life.

The traffic, be it in the form of cars or people, makes you just want to stay home and lie in bed all day. I think this is the main reason why others want to work abroad, in places where traffic jams are rare. It will be super relaxing to get to work without being pushed around or stepped on in the train.

Oh well. I just hope things work out here. Not like i have much of a choice. It's a nice company, and they can provide us with a really good experience. Nice.
Things there are toooo confidential, so I really can't tell things here in detail. hahaha.

How about you friends, how are you? :)

not for the faint hearted.

2008-04-10T01:41:00.000-07:00

AMPF yung title. kala mo kung ano. hahaha.

i feel like reminiscing. i feel like relating everything to rides. my life. a roller coaster ride.

i am 19 years old. i have been through a lot of shit, have dealt with the most annoying people, have lived through storms, and have, well, experienced things beyond my imagination.

i am normal. i am happy. i am contented now.
but really, am i contented?

i have been through two relationships.

the first one was not smooth sailing at all. what do you expect, first eh. it was like riding in the enchanted kingdom's famous space shuttle ride, ayan, ganyang pagkaroller coaster. it was far from the relationship i dreamt of having back then. i learned a whole lot of things that prolly make up most of who i am now. and im grateful. This guy and I are back on speaking terms. See, it doesn't really take much to act normal around your exes. He has a girlfriend now, and im happy for him. Yun nga lang, we don't talk much since magagaglit daw girlfriend nya. So ayun. it was more of a learning stage for me.

the second one was, as a matter of fact, kind of smooth sailing. it was the happy-go-lucky, carousel ride. with him, i let my guards down, and just have fun. we'd have problems, oo, pero that was it. it was a heaven may care kind of relationship. i was happy, but it never felt right. it felt as if it had to end, kasi it was never meant to happen. not that im complaining that it happened. i was happy, he kept me happy. pero like i said, mali.
we ended in a bad way really. i had to be rude. i had to be really mean. but it was for him. he isn't okay pa ata, pero i heard he's in a relationship too. im wishing na someday soon, he'd be prepared enough to talk to me in a grown up manner. And if ever you read this, sana soon maintindihan mo, and do not judge me. soon, like i said, you will understand. and when that day comes, we will talk. and then i'll give you the closure ( is this the right word?) you truly deserve.

so what is this post about? im not really sure. gusto ko lang makita yung past. gusto ko lang ungkatin.

so am i contented? i guess. i'd like to believe i am.

bored. bored. bored.!

2008-04-10T01:11:00.000-07:00

the past few days..

well. we had this departmental planning at Punta de Fabian Baras, Rizal. It felt weird. I was with my VP for Outgoing Exchange, Mitch, and we were representing the newest org, AIESEC- Miriam. We were with the presidents and IVP's of the whole CBEA orgs, the professors, the dean, even PBL was there.

coool, eh? mhela, alaine, mitch and I had no idea what we were supposed to do. i was somehow expecting the whole everyone gets to talk crapola, but it turned out to be one of the longest listening sessions i have ever attended, hahaha. we had to listen to the professors, the dean, the president of the school talk and talk. Boring but insightful. There as a lot of food plus we were able to eat a lot, all expense paid pa. so it's okay.

the next few days, i spent it sa pool. hahaha. mermaid na ata ako. i just, well, reminisced, pondered, wished, and whatever. My siblings were out working, mj was using the pc, so ako, sa pool na lang, haha. inisip ko, what do i want now, what do i want soon, what else do i need? haha.

gusto ko ng:
digital camera.
laptop.
OJT.
bagong phone. yung D900i.
yellow jeans from PRP.
red, white, yellow bikini. HAHA! two isn't enough.
bagong haircut.
versace bright crystal.
mag gym ulit. i miss.
sumayaw. lalong i miss.
maging DL buong taon.
maging SMT awardee. hahaha!
ah! HUWARANG MAG - AARAL. hahaha.
gusto ko ng award!!!
grumaduate ng top 5 sa B.A. dept. asa.
Mag CRUISE
mag STATES
mag AUSTRALIA
mag MACAU
mag HONGKONG.
mag BEACH! umitim! sana matuloy lahat ng plano!!
gumastos ng salapi!!
kumita ng salapi!! hahaha.

hay. ang nagagawa ng boredom.
gusto ko din nung fone na gusto ni mhela. feeling exec. :))

oh well. friends.
mag beach na tayo, please? :)

CALLING: KAPAMILYAS. ELITERS. KADANG APAT. hello? haha.

BEACH! GUSTO KO UMITIM. haha. i want a tan line.
the freaking pool here sa house is liek a giant mineral water. i spend 6 hours there and all i get is dry hair. darn.

WHAT NEXT?

2008-04-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

i just spent three consecutive days killing time in our pool. it's too hot.
the cold water of the pool relaxes me.
it has happened twice already that i spent the whole afternoon just floating around, thinking.

what have i been doing?
what else do i have to do?

three of my siblings have graduated college already, and ewan ko. im next. wala pa akong ojt. pano pa ako magkakatrabaho? haha.

nakakatakot. hindi ko alam kung san ako papunta this year. ang dami kong goals for the year. na sana, magawa ko lahat.

pray for me. gusto kong sulitin ang huling pagkakataon kong maiprove sa sarili kong kaya kong mag excel sa school.

sana. i can do this.

i wouldn't be me if hindi.

pfft

2008-04-03T09:46:00.000-07:00

I HATE THIS DAY.

EVERY SINGLE SOUL I HAVE ENCOUNTERED TODAY CONTRIBUTED TO MAKING THE DAY EFFIN FUCKING MISERABLE.

I HATE THIS DAY.

GAD.

GET A LIFE.

EVERYTHING I HEARD MADE ME FEEL OH SO USELESS.

GAD I HATE THIS DAY.

30 People - Are you one of them?

2008-03-27T02:25:00.000-07:00

Can you name 30 people you can think of right off the top of your head?

Dont read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 30

people.
*NO CHEATING*

NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
1. nikki
2. mhela
3. papa
4. ate kay
5. mj
6. maika
7. kuya
8. lola
9. mama
10. imang
12. crespo
13. glee
14. toni
15. ljay
16. mikel
17. shaine
18. sheena
19. jona
20. leslie
21. karya
22. edawrd cullen
23. ruoan
24. ghea
25. russ
26. rowie
27. denison
28. ly
29. jelo
30. ryan

THE QUESTIONS:

• How did you meet 22?
twilight :)

• What would you do if you had

never met 6?
kapatid eh, impossible. hmm. ill prolly have no crime partner.

• What would you do if 20 and 15 dated?
wierd. extra wierd.

• If you could marry 30?
nope! :D we're not even talking. hahaha.

• Did you ever like 9?
i guess. right now, no.

• Have you ever seen 4
yup. just a few hours ago.

•Would number 1 and 2 make a good

couple?

HINDE. though they consider themselves.. soulmates.

• Describe 8
the best.

• Do you like 12?
yup! si pimpi yan :)

Tell me something about 19
the best enemy in the whole wide world.

• What's 14's favorite color?
PURPLE.

• What would you do if 7 just confessed

he/she liked you?
i think id puke.

• When was the last time you talked to

number 15?
di ko maalala. hahaha. few weeks back?

• How do you think 1 feels about you?
MAHAL NA MAHAL AKO NYAN!

• What language does 13 speak?
madami! mandarin tagalog english hahah.

• Who is 2 going out with?
mhela? ask her. hahah.

• What grade is 9 in?
mommy na yan!

• What is 8's favorite music?

classic.

• Would you ever date 13?
a friendly date? sure :)

• Is 4 single?
hahaha she's wishing she werent. but yeah.

• What is 10's last name?
CUNANAN.

• Would you ever want to be in a
serious relationship with 3?

i already am. he's me daddy!

• Where does 5 live?
sa bahay ni David Archuleta. hahaha.

• What do you think about 28?
malungkot. pero she's good.

• What is the best thing about 16?
protective na friend. hahaha.

• What would you like to tell 15 right

now?

LJAY! BORA!

•How did you meet 20?
binubully ko sya nung first year. hahaha!

•What is the best and worst thing about 2?

best: keeps me sane.
worst: can get a little insensitive at times.

• Are you going to know 3 forever?
sure will.

• How long have you known 26?
hmmm... few months pa lang.. haha through GRC.

Who is 24?
my highschool friend. :) hello ghea!!

• Do you have a crush on 27?
SASAKALIN AKO NI KARINA! hahaah. nope!

• Would you kiss 11?
si pimpi?!!?!? nooooooooooooo.

•Have you hugged/kissed 19?
yes! hahaha.

• Would you like to hug/kiss 21?
sureness.

• Is 20 your gf/bf?
Leslie? hell yeah! hahahaha. nah. SOULMATE ko lang!

• What do you hate about 23?
im not really sure. hahaha.

• What's your relationship with 18?
sya si VERY ang aking VERY nice friend :D

. Have you ever felt a spark of love for 6?
eeww. hahah. kapatid ko so unconditional love yan! :))

**thanks to glee and mhela for this! :)**

why?

2008-03-25T11:01:00.000-07:00

why am i still up?

it's 2:00 am and i am still up.

i am sick, and have to rest.

long day tomorrow. long week pa din.

shoot.

am i slowly killing myself? HAHAHA. BOO.

so what am i doing up at this hour?

woot-woo.

surfing.

Facebook *haikoo zoo* and online flash games can be so addicting.

ples. i miss my friends!

KAPAMILYA: Let's go to the beach na. NOW!
sa Elites: Kausapin nyo na sil dee.. go eliters unite kayo. haha.

the rest: BEAAACCHHHHHH!!

pointless.

bakit nakacenter yung post?
bangerks.
good night world!

Ayan.

2008-03-20T06:33:00.000-07:00

So I went there.

and then it felt like home.

i waited.

again.

and again.

stayed for about 20 minutes.

i left.

pointless.

it calmed me.

i miss her.

i miss everything we did together.

siguro i was there to reminisce, and refresh the memories we had.

These memories are the only things i have left..

LOLA

2008-03-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

i went there kanina around 530 pm.

as i drove through the museleo, i felt heavier.

parang she was there, waiting for me to come.

it was pathetic that i couldn't enter since i left the keys here.

i stayed outside for about ten minutes lang. talking to her.

talk about peaceful.

i felt happy.

it was as if i was actually staring at her, talking to her.

Parang the scene in one of mitch albom's books.. yung for one more day. He felt weird seeing his dead mother with him.

I felt wierd, i did not see Lola, but i felt like she was there. listening to me.

As if she knew that i needed her to listen to me rant and cry my heart out.

I wanted to hug that empty space in front of me, and pretend like she was there to hug me back.

I stayed for another five minutes prancing around the car and talking to her.

I had a lot of questions.

And tomorrow, i have a new batch to ask.

I will be there again tomorrow, same time perhaps. I'll probably even spend most of my free time there.

The peacefulness i felt kanina is comparable to nothing.

I miss you.

four words

2008-03-11T07:32:00.000-07:00

minsan ang hirap. mula dito hanggang doon, wala kang silbi. yung tipong, you dont really matter ba. yung tipong.. *poof* mawala ka and we won't care. or yung parang. you don't really exist kind of crap.

sometimes life gets so god damn tiring na all you want to do is to sit down and be normal.

Well, for people who craves service and leadership, i guess being normal is out of our dictionary.
ohh yes, i belong to these kind of people. i love being active and being involved.

pero this time, tama na siguro..
am i giving up?

i just might.

"I am a failure."

these are the four words that I have been repeatedly saying these past few days.

I am a failure.
I am a failure.
I am a failure.

It hurts so bad to know na no matter how i try to be someone, i will always be nobody.

so aiko, get a clue.

tatahimik na lang ako.

Lola, i miss you so bad.

19 na ako!

2008-03-03T08:46:00.001-08:00

Many thanks to the people who greeted me today:

mama, maika, mj, ate kay, kuya, nikki, mhela, jehlee, miguel, mitch, grace, dewey, july, nicole, angela, leni, trex,
leslie, karya, denison, ruth, kuya leo, GD members, NN members, and many more.

lalo sa ELITERS. salamat sa surprise cake na papabayaran nyo. hahaha.

oh well

nagiiyak na naman ako this morning since i suddenyl realized i needed a good cry, and i think dahil na din sa aking pagkamiss kay lola.

it's been four years, and up until now, i still miss her like kahapon lang nangyari lahat.

sa mga sumuporta nung nawala si lola, you don't know how grateful i am of you.
sa sumusuporta sakin ngayon, i owe you big time. :)

i'm 19. big deal.

goodnight.

*pointless*

"good times" -mo twister

2008-03-02T14:58:00.000-08:00

it's my birthday. :)

ne-yo is LOVE.

my family is the best.

Financial Management class is over. (GAD goodbye no sleep for a week!)

Year-end will prolly suck.

Time to create.. AISEC - Miriam. :D

hayst

2008-02-26T02:49:00.000-08:00

sometimes, the smallest of problems when piled up leads to something big.

ignoring me won't do us good.

explain.

2008-02-25T07:27:00.000-08:00

grabe. hindi ko alam kung ang balak mo is simply to ignore me, or whatever it is you feel ay mali, or kung ano yung nararamadaman mo na nararamdaman ko. and if you are ignoring it lang with hopes na sooner or later mawawala siya on it's own, ewan ko ha. ewan ko.

please tell me that i am in a bad dream, and that whatever happened today and kagabi is something that never really happened.

tell me you're not being like this again.

mababaw ba to? hindi ko alam. and quite frankly, as of now, i don't care kung gaano siya kababaw sa paningin mo, o ng kung sino man. ITO yung nararamdaman ko, at ito, hindi ko ito gusto.

hindi ko naiiintindihan kung bakit. hindi ko naiiintindihan at all.

now. make me understand.

malungkot ka ba? napapagod ka ba? naiinis? ano? nawawalan ka na ng gana? sabihin mo. ipaintindi mo.

wait. ganito na lang.

tell me. bakit ganito?

CHOOSE TO BE YOU

2008-02-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

**SEGWAY: I HAVE A NEW POST.. MGA JANUARY YUN.. hanapin hanapin..**

Friendster Horoscope for February 13, 2008

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

The Bottom Line

You have a lot of beauty people don't often get a chance to see -- let it out today!

In Detail

You have a lot of beauty and strength that people don't often get a chance to see -- ask yourself why that is, today. Are you afraid to show your true colors to the world? Wake up to the fact that there are plenty of people in your life who want to see you shine -- with all of your light! More people are interested in you, for more diverse reasons, than you truly understand. You are missing an amazing opportunity by standing on the sidelines of your own life. Be yourself!

********************************************************************

I believe in horoscopes. I hate it when my horoscope for the day actually matches what I am feeling, or have been feeling for the past few days.

As all of you are aware of, I didn't bag that position. It is okay, really, since I felt relieved that I did not win, I told myself it's better since I won't have to go through the whole stress of being an officer. Who wants stress on their last year in school, right?

Everything was okay, until I saw the reaction of the members I would be serving had I won the elections, and the professors who would have been my bosses. It was frustrating to see how sad they are that I did not win. It was as if they felt worse than I did. It's not a good feeling. I would have been flattered, but I honestly am not.

Just the other day I got to talk to a very influential person in the lives for many students, and that person (im sorry I refuse to drop names, even initials), and that talk made me re-think. See, after losing, I told myself to just step back and ride on, go with the flow this year and just have fun. READ: Bring back my social life. But after that talk, I realized I couldn't do it. This person made me reflect on myself. This talk inspired me.

I never thought the idea of not knowing what I'll be doing next year will make me scared. I got so used to being busy, na now that I have more time, I don't know how to spend it. It scared me that I didn't know who to go out with, how to bond with them, how to please them; tapos the only person you are always with (kasi you're ultimate block mates), will surely be busy pa. Ewan ko ba.

I felt good about myself after that day. I felt good too after hearing the comments of the other people. I knew then that not because I lost means that I have to be a normal student. I can be busy, I can still serve and be a contribution to my course, if I choose to.

"You are missing an amazing opportunity by standing on the sidelines of your own life. Be yourself!"

I choose to act and be myself.

Who's with me?

I LOST. I LOVE.

2008-02-06T05:40:00.000-08:00

See that?

I lost alright. Pero i feel like a winner.

Every single soul i encountered today made me feel super good. They made me see how much they think I deserved to win, and that I would have been the winner.

But as my sister said, i guess there are better things for me to do this school year. Who knows, I might be a car enthusiast and enter racing? OR, prolly earn a whole lot of money from the ideas toying in my ind right now. Let's just wait and see.

The post is entitled I LOST, I LOVE. I guess the I lost part is easy to comprehend.

I LOVE= I got a new phone. See the full features here.

The pictures are on top. I wanted the pink one, but since they don't have it here in the Philippines, i went for the grey one instead. I love everything about it.

hay. :)

MAS OKS PA DIN SA VOX

2008-02-05T07:21:00.000-08:00

February 4, 2008.

Elections. one hell of a day. Elections + intrams + some quality time + bonding with the Korean and mj.

Im nervous.

Im hoping I'd win together with my partymates. It'll be nice to win with them. hehe.
but whatever.

February 5, 2008.

Results are out. And as expected (by me), I lost. Mitchie, Ei and me. together with the rest. But Nicole and SP won.. alteast two of the leaders are from Marketing..

Surprisingly, im super fine. Why?

1. I have a really good dad. He comforted me as soon as I told him the news, and did not stop until he slept. Sweet daddy, i love you very much. Thank you for the support and all that. This will include MJ, Maika and Mama.

2. The people I was with when I heard the news were really supportive. They went with me wherever,, hey, I even got a new phone. I love. Mhela and MJ, salamat. My support system. MJ hates me for having a new phone, but she loves me for having it just the same.

3. I have a really good set of friends. Bianca, Glee, Imang, Shaine, Ljay, Toni, Mikel. Salamat sa suporta and sa pagcare. Oo, ako pa rin ang president. hahaha.

4. Well. Ei, and Mitch, my two most favorite people in the org didn't win too. And Suzie din pala. Okay lang yan. We will make our own organization. hahaha. TOINK. Sabi nga ni Suzie, magcocomelec na lang kami. wee. hahaha.

5. The ones who won are not so bad. They're actually good. I think they will make the organization better. They better, so bing, if you're reading this, goodluck. And congratulations. :)

Im hoping the MMM winners will be the deserving ones. If Mhela's party wins, dun ako mag aasociate. Para iba naman.

As for me,

mas oks pa din sa VOX.

POINTLESS POST.

2008-01-17T07:59:00.000-08:00

Hemorrhage is the technical term for bleeding, often referring to substantial blood loss or uncontrollable bleeding, either externally or internally. The effects of hemorrhage depend on the part of the body that is bleeding and the total amount of blood that is lost. Hemorrhage can be a symptom of a number of serious, sometimes fatal, disorders.

Causes

Hemorrhage occurs when blood vessels are torn or broken. Normally, blood will clot within seconds or minutes, stopping the blood flow. However, when serious injuries or other disorders (such as hemophilia, peptic ulcer, or cancer) are involved, the body's normal blood-clotting mechanism may be inadequate or may malfunction. If blood loss is not quickly stopped, death may result.

Symptoms

Severe external hemorrhage is associated with the following symptoms: rapid pulse; dizziness or faintness; collapse; a drop in blood pressure; a rise in pulse rate; and pale, cold, clammy, or sweaty skin.

Internal hemorrhage may also show symptoms, even if the bleeding is slight. Black, tarry stools may signal bleeding in the intestinal tract from a peptic ulcer; blood in the vomitus indicates bleeding in the stomach; and blood in the urine means that bleeding is occurring in the kidneys or in the urinary tract.

Blood in the stool, urine, or vomitus should always be reported to a doctor at once, as should external bleeding that occurs frequently or that cannot be stopped within minutes.

Treatment

Treatment for internal hemorrhage involves correcting the cause of the bleeding, possibly with surgery. External hemorrhage is treated by applying pressure to the wound with a sterile bandage (or, in an emergency, just pressing it with the fingers) until the bleeding stops. If bleeding cannot be stopped, the patient will almost certainly have to be hospitalized, so that lost blood can be replaced with transfusions of blood products and, in some cases, so that damaged blood vessels can be surgically tied off and sealed.

---------------------

this is pointless. hahaha.

im just overreacting.

im just scared.

not overreacting. scared.

gaad.

i love my life. hahaha. ayan. OA na.

hay

2008-01-10T09:31:00.000-08:00

IM EXHAUSTED.

PFFT. STRESSED.

BEEN SLEEPING FOR ROUGHLY 3- 4 HOURS A DAY.

WALKING ALL DAY. RUNNING TO AND FRO. GGAAAADDD.

IM EXHAUSTED.

IM LOVING IT.

2008-01-06T07:39:00.000-08:00

Friendster Horoscope for January 6, 2008

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)[?]

The Bottom Line

You are going to get a lot of positive attention soon -- get ready to lead a group.

In Detail

You are going to get a lot of positive attention very soon -- get ready to have a permanent blush! If a group is looking for a leader, you should step up and nominate yourself for the job. The way things are going today, you're sure to win any type of popularity contest or election in a landslide! There's simply no getting away from the fact that you have star power in a very exciting group. And all of this new attention will remind you about the true value of old friends.

Im loving every single word in this horoscope. haha. I am feeling extra stressed and frustrated right now, and I guess reading something nice, though it's just a hunch, will make me feel better.

Now, i know that my questions have been answered.

Yes Aiko, running for President was a really good idea. Win or lose, at least I tried. :)

Farewell 2007; Hello 2008.

2008-01-02T07:56:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year dear readers. hahaha, editorial ba to?
anyway, too much reading and watching tv can cause extreme laziness, resulting in reflection. haha, ang pointless nung last line.

in short,
i have a lot of realizations this holiday season.
this particular post will not only be a tribute for those who made my life more meaningful last year, (this excludes my parents since I will forever be thankful to them for having me), but it'll also serve as a "thank-you" note for everyone else, no matter what year, who made my life dark, colorful and happy. :)

and this is in fact a very late post.

una sa lahat. salamat sa mga kaibigan ko. ang Eliters sa walang sawang pagsuporta at pag intindi (awards night to). kung wala kayo dito, mamamatay ako. haha. ang Confettis, dahil sa inyo, alam kong hinding hindi ako mawawalan ng kaibigan. ang Chonggagos, salamat sa pagtanggap. mahal ko kayong lahat. ampf.

Particulars:

Maika - oh well. you are my sister and at times we fight like there is no tomorrow but nonetheless i love you still. i guess with our state now you are the only person who can really understand me.

Ate Kay - you leaving all of a sudden was harder than i expected. it wasn't much of a change having to take care of the rest but hey, knowing your a million miles away made everything harder. you leaving made all of us even more independent. For all the long serious talks we've had about life, love, and kalokohan, salamat. i love you to death, since you are naman the person i know i can run to if i am in need of "serious" talks.

MJ - oo, ikaw. you are like a daughter to me, more than a sister. oh di ba. You make my college life exciting. hahaha. every week i h ave to think of ways on how i can make my allowance fit para you can eat and all that. haha. basta. madalas man kitang awayin, alam mo na dapat na dahil yun gusto ko lumaki ka ng maayos. kahit malayo sila mama, dapat lumaki ka as if they're here with us everyday, na hindi totoong lumalaki kang walang nagbabantay sayo. i love you mj. :)

Mhela - you keep me sane. you keep me cool. you make me better. you keep my eet planted on the ground while keeping me floating. (oh hala imaginin nyo yan. is that possible? haha.) for all these and more, i love you dearest.

Mitch - you will forever be the IVP, my mayamang friend and mitchy pongski to me. I love you for being there always. ikaw yung taong kahit madaling araw alam kong tutulungan ako, at dahil jan, mahal kita. you are a true friend. screw those who hurt you, they should die.

Suzie - ewan ko. isa ka sa mga taong never kong inexpect na makakagood ko. VOX POPULI and tunay na panalo. hahaha. ang labo.

Leslie - tunay ngang soulmate kita. salamat sa pagiging kaibigan ko, and sticking by me always. i love you and karina forever!

Jona - salamat. okay? haha.

.....

Jelo - i guess i have a lot to thank you for. you are, in fact, the person who taught me a lot. being in a relationship is never easy- i so understood that from you. getting hurt and dealing with it, i learned from you too. Guess part of my being mature now is because of you. I do not regret it. thank you, and i hope you stay happy now. :)

Ryan - with you i learned how it is to have fun in a relationship. with you i learned how to let loose. with you, i learned patience. i hope you dont take this post in a wrong way, i am thanking you for being a part of my life. i know ive hurt you, but soon you'll realize (or you probably have realized na) na it is indeed the right thing to do. :) i've been wanting to talk to you, kasi i think and hope that by now we're both ready, (i have the approval anyway), but we'll prolly do that soon. basta, salamat. i can never thank you enough.

----

You - redundunt na. salamat sayo, dahil kung wala ka, hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako. we can do this.

CD PLAYER

2007-12-13T10:53:00.000-08:00

i have no idea bakit CD PLAYER ang title.

kasi nakiking ako ng kung anong crap, resting, bago gumawa ng bagong summary.

hay.

minsan kasi, napapagod tayo ng sobra. parang CD PLAYER lang. sa sabay sabay na bagay. uy, nagrhyme. paulit ulit kang ipplay. tapos paulit ulit kang tutugtog. hanggang manawa yung nakikinig.

tapos minsan, sa sobrang pagod mo, masisira ka na lang bigla. yung sira na wala ng pag - asang mabuo.

kaya kayo, matutuo kayong pindutin ang STOP button.

maaaring yung sariling STOP BUTTON nyo.

pwede ring yung STOP button ng ibang tao.

matuto tayong makiramdam.

CHRISTMAS WISHLIST

2007-12-06T06:35:00.000-08:00

this is the first time i will be posting my christmas wish list.
who knows, i might get one of these for christmas nga? haha. i love it. :)
i guess i can proudly tell santa claus that i've been a really nice kid this year.. with a hint of naughtiness. hahaha. :)

1. an SLR camera. i am a wannabe-feeling photographer. ahahaha.

2. a beetle. i want it in lime green, red or yellow. hay. this IS my dream car.

3. a super laptop. or even the nice, cheap ones. who wouldn't one? har har.

4. a samsung u600 in red (with a 1gig memory card), or a k810i in blue (with memory card too), or better yet, an iphone. wee.

5. a gift certificate to any of the following stores with a minimum worth of 5,000k (it has to be affordable if a friend would give it right? hahaha )
- BAYO
- PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE
- ZARA (it has to be 10,000 and above for this)
- CROCS
- ALLFLIP FLOPS
- HERBENCH (?!?!)
- GREENHILLS SHOPPING CENTER!! HAHAHA.
- 168!

6. three nice pairs of havaianas. the flash edition in black, the lime green (a lighter limewire shade of green) with swarovski crystals, and the blue or black, or light pink with the embossed havaianas logo. size: 37/38

7. a new set of make up from sephora, shu uemura (i need the rubber for my curler), maybelline, or any nice make-up brand.

8. the red and chocolate brown alice suede crocs. size: 37/38 too.

9. the chance to serve my orgmates, and leave a mark for the school. translation: im hoping i'd win the elections with my partymates. :)
10. a five-day long vacation with my friends. separate times of course. This includes kapamilya, kadang apat, the eliters, chonggagos, and whoever.

11. a trip to the united states to visit ate kay. wee!

12. JT tickets for next year!

13. TOMATO KICK GIFT CERTIFICATE. i love you my labs for this idea. wahaha.

14. i want to be able to go to serendra with you at night. yeah, that's you. whoever you are reading this. you wouldn't be reading this anyway if you'\ don't play a part in my life or if i don't play one in yours. wee. let's spend time together! hahaha.

15. be able to find a nice home for the aged place where i can be a volunteer.

16. our family to be complete this christmas, and be really happy and safe.

17. my loved ones to be safe, and happy.

18. watch a fireworks display with you.

19. be friends with the people i want to be friends with. yep, that'll be "you". haha.

20. retractable brush for my blush-on. (i lost mine!)

21. SMASHBOX O-GLOW microcirculating cheek color with goji berry-c complex

22. REVLON Lash Jewels Eye Accents - LIMITED EDITION!

23. ACCA KAPPA Hair Brushes

*again, thank you mitch my labs and dakilang kaladkarin for the idea.*
*shall i expect gifts to come this year? yes? good.*
**edited for my FRIENDS who doesn't have money. hahahaha. i love you all. :) **
ang sarap mangarap.

hate post for who else?

2007-10-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

i hate you.

what's new with that? it's growing deeper.
i try not to.
i try to reach out.
i try to approach me.

i feel like i am being pushed away.. so do not blame me if i get tired and simply stay far away.

i hate you.

i can not even say "i love you" without having goosebumps.

Why?

What is the pain that binds the people together?

2007-08-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

I spent thirty minutes thinking of the pain that would best fit the question, and the only pain that I can think of that’s common among the gods and us mortals would be the pain we get from loving. Love, some might say is not what makes the world go round, but what makes the ride worthwhile. Others say that love means exposing ourselves to the pain of being deeply hurt by someone we trust.

See, love transpires differently all the time. It may sometimes start with pain- us being torn and crestfallen and then suddenly happy, a happiness only love can give- the feeling of being complete and totally satisfied with our lives. At times it may begin with allowing us to feel this happiness and then suddenly take it away, as if wanting us to curse the world for the sudden loss and the agony of being alone again, finding someone new.

I can say now that pain is the most important aspect of being happy in love and in life. Without pain, we are not able to appreciate being pampered and loved, taken care of the person we can never imagine living our lives without. Pain comes in different forms, from being fooled, left behind and then there is this pain caused by loving too much and losing ourselves in the process, and also the pain of loving someone we know we can and will never have. This is the hardest and the deepest pain of all, since here, there is no option but to move on.

With love comes happiness, happiness comes with pain; and pain is what we need in order to feel the happiness of loving and being loved.

Allow me then to conclude that love is the only thing powerful enough to let us feel happy one moment and then extremely hurt the next.. and hopefully really happy in the end.

three simple words

2007-07-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

ang hirap pala. akala ko dati walang magiging problema. hehe. ano ko sineswerte? malay natin diba.

ang hirap masanay sa isang bagay tapos biglang mababago totally. sobrang nakakalungkot. nakakawalang gana pumasok. minsan gusto ko na lang matulog the whole day. wag na pumasok. may araw pa nga na parang okay lang kahit di makita. parang mas okay yun kesa yung kasama nga, wala naman. am i making sense? siguro sayo na bumabasa no. pero sakin oo, sobrang oo. parang wala man lang time for adjustments. hindi man lang inunti unti. hay.

hindi ko alam kung may makakaintindi ng sinasabi ko, sorry na. malamang ang involved makakaintindi.

forgive me for posting something like "just being with the person is never enough." kasama kita, pero hindi ikaw yung kasama ko. iba. nawawala ka. o baka ako. hindi ko alam.

for days now, i have been thinking really hard of reasons why i am feeling this sad.. empty. and just now, with the conversation we are having, i am finally able to express it.

i miss you.

i miss me when with you.

that simple.

but it goes beyond that too. ang labo.

let it all out

2007-05-01T01:12:00.000-07:00

from reading hundreds of magazines everyday since the summer started, (i know, im exaggerating.), i get updates from stars, fashion, gadgets, love and all that crap. . let me share with you these lines i got from Vic Sotto on Pia Guanio (just read it.):

"As you get older, you get more mature. And it feels good to announce to
everyone, to the world, that you're happy, that you're inlove, and another
person is inlove with you.."

...summer..

2007-05-01T00:42:00.000-07:00

"Don't seek motivation from outside sources. You must inspire yourself today.

Motivation can come in many forms. For some people, it comes when they realize that they've become too much of a doormat -- and things have got to change as soon as possible. For others, it comes when they see that a goal is so close that they only have to reach out and grab it! No mater what motivates you today, you need to recognize that where you go from here is totally within your control. You can make things happen."

it's summer. and im stuck at home, doing nothing but to eat, watch tv, read magazines, eat, swim, and then eat and oh, sleep., not neccesarily in that order.

i told myself id be starting my work out last last week pa, and this morning, yes, just today, May 1, 2007, i did it. i started the freaking work out.

i have gained weight, and i want the weight gaining to stop today, and weight losing to start. hahaha.

kala nyo madrama? nah..

im too happy for dramatic posts. :)

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-03-05T06:42:00.000-08:00

late post.

I hate you. All of you. And I hate it, because I hate hating all of you. That no matter how awful all of you make me feel, how tired I am of this life I have at the place I should be calling home you all make me feel, "you" are still on top of my priorities. That I still can't stand it whenever things are not okay, I even end up crying. I hate it.

I just want to shout.. at you, and you, and you. Let you all know how miserable im feeling now because of you. I know I shouldn't be blaming you because I believe happiness is a choice, but hey.. YOU'RE supposed to be my wall.. my shield.. my supporters. We are a family, are we not?

IM TIRED. So tired, that I just want to break down, and shut all these. Be gone, and not have to deal with you every single day.

yes, I have my bestfriend, thanks to you too.. and i have a lot of friends.. but it sucks.. kasi since "you" are on top, the number of friends I have will never equal the amount of love and priority im giving you..

and yet, you fail to see all these..

Nothing to post

2007-02-01T01:14:00.000-08:00

I have nothing to say.

I am happy. Extremely happy.

And my happiness is leaving me speechless..

..with nothing to post, nothing that makes sense..

But if this is what i get for the happiness i have, so be it. I'd rather be speechless but happy, than be overflowing with words but bitter.

Just for You

2007-01-24T07:15:00.000-08:00

Cascada
Everytime We Touch


I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me.
I still feel your touch in my dreams.
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why.
Without you it's hard to survive.

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
I need you by my side.
Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so.
I can't let you go.
I want you in my life.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky.
They wipe away tears that I cry.
The good and the bad times, we've been through them all.
You make me rise when I fall.

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.
I need you by my side.
Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.
And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.
Can't you hear my heart beat so
I can't let you go.
I want you in my life.

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.
And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly.
Can't you feel my heart beat fast.
I want this to last.
I need you by my side.